A time for change

Has it really been 3 weeks since I found out my cancer was back, came off Facebook, fell to pieces and wondered is this it?  Refusing to stay down for long, with the support of my friends and family I have dragged myself back to the now and remembered once again it’s not over yet.  After a few days of fog I started to believe again that there is something out there, be it medical or alternative that will cure my cancer.  My heart, gut and every fibre of me believes that.  The scary bit is whether I find it in time.
I’m back on Chemotherapy and a different drug alongside it and I’ve researched some more alternative options.  I now take turmeric powder in oil with Mangosteen juice, eat flaxseed oil mixed with cottage cheese every morning, have regular Rife therapy at The Sanctuary of Healing and include meditation on a daily basis.  I feel very relaxed and calm until a hospital appointment is due and then its butterflies and stomach churning until it’s over.
But the biggest change over the past few weeks is me.  I have cancer, yes I know that but does it have to be who I am, what I talk about, what people see me with?  Apart from the hospital appointments I have taken to just being me and forgetting about the dreaded C.  Watching TV like I used to and talking about something other than what the doctors have said.  Blogging has brought with it much support and fascination from others about living a life with cancer but as long as I am blogging I am living a life with cancer.  It’s like everywhere I turn its Mel with cancer.  My life is encapsulated by it.
There are head tilting, sympathetic smiles on the school playground and softly spoken well-wishers who all mean well but at the same time are defining who I am, that poor woman over there.  But I don’t want that anymore.  I affirm every single day now that I am healed and I no longer have cancer, willing my body to acknowledge it.  I pray to a higher energy to listen to my pleas.  I wait for the day that my belief in my cure is free of doubt and I have 100% faith that one day this will be all over.  I truly believe that but the process is agonising and whist I don’t want to come across as being ungrateful for all the support people have shown me (I will never think that by the way) I just want to enjoy my life, living in the moment as if cancer never existed, very difficult when I’m still on the search for my cure!  And when I find it, make no mistake I will be shouting about it from the roof tops or maybe I won’t.  Maybe I’ll just go back to appreciating how lucky I am to wake up each day and enjoy every part of everyday living in the moment and being thankful that I am me!
 

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