Here we go again

Or did it ever go away?

I woke up last Sunday to a pale pink patch below my scar which I passed off as nothing more than a mere skin irritation but as the days went by and I studied it further I knew something wasn’t right. 2 biopsies and a week of torture waiting for the results later and my worst suspicions have been confirmed.

My world had come to another standstill.

So what now?

Right at this moment in time I feel drained, emotionally, physically and mentally. Why me? Why now? I was just getting a taste of feeling ‘normal’ again. You know what I mean, kids getting on my nerves, washing coming out of my ears, minor money problems but you know all the normal things that we all deal with on a daily basis.

But not only that, I believed that I was healing well. I’ve never felt better and people keep telling me I look great. My nutritional course was guiding me on a new path and all the psychological work I had done I thought had rid me of my inner demons that had caused the cancer in the first place.

Now what am I left with? Self-doubt. Why hasn’t it worked? Lack of confidence in my medical team. Why haven’t they got this thing sorted by now? Do they really know what they are doing?

Do I know what I am doing?

And all those awful, horrible visions of a world with all my friends and family crying at my funeral, carrying on life without me is the worst kind of pain I could ever endure. How much more of this horrible pain can I take?

I’ve wallowed all day (well actually all week, fearing the worst outcome and trying to prepare myself) in self-pity, and before you shout at the screen, I know its normal and allowed under the circumstances and can only be expected but I am drained from these emotions and by succumbing to them cancer has already won.

Because giving up is and has never been an option for me. And although over the next few days I’ll no doubt cry a river and fear for my life, I know I will take all those fretful emotions and turn them on their arse.

I will take the heart wrenching pain and the gut churning feelings and power them into the strongest fight I have yet to face. I will dig deeper than I have ever thought humanly possible and I will find the answers.

I will devise a plan, nutritionally and mentally to see me through the rocky road ahead. I will research the right people to guide me and I will surround myself with knowledgeable people who know and believe I can get through this.

I know this cancer can take my life but can I not take cancers life? My scan results are due next Wednesday to see if its spread further and an operation to have this b…..d (sorry) removed on Thursday, less than a week if there is no further spread.

This war is not over but today kind of felt for one horrible minute that it was. Back to the drawing board I go. Back to the operation theatre I go. Back in search of new hope I go. What do I have to do to win? Answers on a postcard…

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