"Worrying about tomorrow only takes away the pleasures of today"

But I’m still busying myself trying to keep my mind occupied.

I’ve recently read numerous books. One that I particularly learnt from was Embracing Uncertainty.

All the things I read about I have been told before, like nobody knows what’s round the corner and how there’s nothing we can do to change certain things.

But that said, whilst away on holiday, relaxed, under the sun, reading my book, I thought yes, I can do this but it all completely went out of the window when I came back to reality with a hospital appointment for scan results looming over me.

My thoughts upon waking were of complete dread.

Not the ‘what will be, will be’ attitude that I’d spent all holiday reading about. ‘I can’t do anything to change it’ floated away and was replaced by worry and fear of ‘what if he says its spread?

How will I cope? Will I fall apart? Is there anything left for me to take? What if there’s no hope? How long will I have left?

Will I end up in a hospice? OMG.

The list of thoughts goes on and on and on if I allow my attention to go there and because I was so consumed with fear my attention did go there and the anxiety was suffocating. I won’t go on any more about the continuous bad thoughts I had as I’m sure you get the picture.

I awoke at 6.30am and posted my fears on Facebook just to release some of the anguish I was creating. As friends started to reply with loving, kind words, I started to cry and I didn’t really stop until the nerves fully kicked in and I was sat in the waiting room waiting to see my Oncologist, a few hours later.

We talked for a few minutes about how bad the admin was at Christie and inside I was screaming to tell me my results.

“Scans show no change so you’re clear internally.”

How I didn’t pass out I’ll never know as the relief was immense.

Thank god my hubby was there because everything spoken from then on was a fuzzy, mumble as I released all the worry and fear I had self-created, worrying about something that hadn’t even happened yet. My mind had made it all up.

So there was a humongous lesson in there for me. I had created hours of worry, negative thinking, planning my reaction to something he never even said.

So what harm had I done to my body? What pleasures in life had I missed out on through self-sabotaging all morning? All week in fact! Nobody knows what’s round the corner.

There’s been a lot of lesson learning over the past few months.

I’ve learnt that everything is only your perception of the matter. That ANYTHING can change at ANYTIME. That we learn about controlling our thoughts but when you’re locked in a fearful state, no amount of knowledge is going to change those bad thoughts.

That no amount of worrying can change scan results, bad news or good news (but that doesn’t stop me from worrying).

That life is happening for a reason and when we are in our bliss be it at work, at home, with family all is well and we succeed but when one area is unbalanced either through stress, food, environment, we become unbalanced and our health suffers.

Life is meant to be filled with happiness and love but real life doesn’t always match up to that so unless we balance it out i.e. bad food with good food, stress with enjoyment, toxicity with fresh air our health is the first thing to suffer. So I’m in the process of finding balance.

After been given fresh hope with a new clinical trial my natural instinct is telling me not to get excited because nothing’s worked so far and I don’t want to get my hopes up, yet again, only to be let down.

But I need to hold on to hope. I respond to my oncologist’s wording and body language as he wants more than anything to see me better.

So when I saw him recently and he told me about the trial he was positive and hopeful that this was the best thing for me and my fear began to vanish.

So something else I’ve learnt, don’t allow others to control your emotions because at the end of the day it’s only your perspective on things that creates the emotion.

So the message in there is ….if it’s going to happen it will.

So relax, enjoy life, because worrying about tomorrow only takes away the pleasures of today.

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