Letting go of the outcome

Where do I start? About two weeks ago I wrote a blog from a very dark, desperate place. It told of my trip to America and how I had to succumb to Chemotherapy yet again with the chance of losing my hair.

I wrote of my terminal diagnosis and the possibility that this would be my last Christmas and I cried so hard I thought I my eyeballs would fall out and land in my lap! I never thought I could getter any lower but somehow I did and writing helped me unload the burden.

But I came to upload it on to The Warrington Guardian website and my password wouldn’t work. It’s never failed before! So I called them and I emailed them and I tried and tried but nothing would allow me to upload it. It just wasn’t meant to be uploaded I say and now I see why.

I have finally after three years had this unbelievable shift in awareness. I wrote to a very spiritual lady telling her of my despair and asked her how do I possibly live in the present moment and stop worrying about the future? Her reply has changed my life.

Unfortunately I cannot put into words exactly what she said because it was very long and intense but as I read it something just seemed to slot into place.

The fear that I have been holding onto for so long is the fear of leaving my children to grow up without their mum and that has never left me in all the time I have been a mum.

But the new theory that has relieved me of this pain is this…We are all souls living in a physical body, sometimes many times over in order to learn a lesson.

We choose our parents and know before we are born what life we have chosen in order to learn a lesson or many lessons and move onto to another life or realm. Therefore my kids chose me. They chose to have this experience whether I live or die as they too are here to learn from it.

To most of you I know you will think I have gone mad, but let me tell you this… the pain, the fear, the anguish, the guilt of leaving them, the mental torture, the heartache even the tears have vanished and as much as I wanted to write about it straight away, I was also sceptical that this feeling may not last. But it has lasted and continues to do so.

Everyday just keeps getting better and better. I am truly, honestly and without having to, or trying to, I’m living in the now, the present moment. My worries and fears of the future are no longer with me. I have no control over the outcome, I believe the universe will take care of that now and guess what? I am getting well.

My skin on my chest was full of black scabs that itched so much I would scratch them until they bled. They are disappearing and the itching is fading fast. The “new “lump in my other boob was larger than an egg, solid and sore to touch. The pain has gone and it resembles something more like a sponge.

The redness in my skin covered the entire left side of my back. This has almost vanished completely. And the pea-like lump in my neck which I’ve had for since April, I cannot find.

My lymph glands have gone down and the fluid is flowing again. My first course of chemotherapy, my friends is working! The power of the mind is working. And now I am crying, but this time it is tears of relief, of joy, ecstasy, amazement, wonder and happiness. These words don’t even come close to describing how I feel.

I went on my works Christmas do last Saturday night and I danced the night away, in the moment, I was truly living and I felt alive for the first time in years.

Drinking wine and having a right old giggle I had to stop myself just to pinch myself that all those hidden nasty thoughts were no longer popping in to my head to remind me of something awful. Cancer is not only disappearing from my skin and my body its disappearing from my mind.

I’ve danced with my kids, making a dance up for their school talent contest and I have been in my true element. The love of my life is dancing and I have so missed it (sorry Carl it’s no longer you).

I realised I was back on form when they both brought home the winning trophies from separate competitions, and the kids on the playground (and the teachers and mums) were doing THE “Walk the Dinosaur” Dance! It’s gone viral.

My heart could burst I’m so proud of my kids achievements and also for mine! Move over Felicia Burns! (only joking, I may be asking for a job though!)

So my life is back on track and I pinch myself every day to see if this is really happening to me. Now that’s gratitude for you.

I feel it’s all about timing. I was never ready before now, although I thought I was I clearly had more to learn. Unfortunately there are no magic words I can give to advise others because the theory I have written about above I have heard many times before but I just wasn’t ready to accept them and make them a belief. I tried too hard I suppose? This has been out of my control. Something inside me just allowed it to happen as I let go of the outcome.

I am lucky enough to have so many wonderful people in my life, some by circumstance but most by choice. So my only advice is this. Follow your heart, choose your friends and who you allow close to you wisely and understand that if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.

So who knows if I’ll blog again as I now need to concentrate on my book? Your comments and positive feedback have been a huge support and got me through many a challenging time.

I am truly blessed to have had many wonderful experiences over the last few years but I am thankful that it has brought me finally to a place of mental peace and understanding of what life is all about.

I am not cured and still don’t know whether I will be but that is not part of my current picture so it’s not even an issue anymore. How good is that? Have a Merry Christmas every one.

LIVE. LOVE. LAUGH! …and dance like nobody’s watching!

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