Live your Joy!

Breast cancer awareness month is amazing for those women who forget to check their breasts and I suppose it comes as a friendly reminder, but for those of us swallowing the bitter pill that we’ve had it, got it and still dealing with it, it’s kind of a slap in the face every time I open a newspaper or turn on the T.V or radio.  Another reminder of how many die from it each year and that early detection is crucial…Oh really only I detected mine before it actually surfaced and the doctors told me I was fine.  Five long months of begging them to listen to me, I diagnosed myself through the internet, however it had then spread to my lymph nodes in my arm and chest and treatment had to start immediately due to the fatality of the aggressive type that I had.  So maybe this month Breast cancer awareness should be for lazy GP’s who can’t be arsed doing their job properly because it doesn’t look “serious” enough and breast specialists who still have never seen Inflammatory Breast  Cancer before.  AGAIN, REALLY?  Only when I was diagnosed I was given a leaflet with all the information, I already knew from my research, to help me deal with the diagnosis and the symptoms of IBC.  I should have shoved it in front of their noses and said “Did you forget to read this before you met me?”
I had no intention of starting this with any form of anger and to be honest I still believe everything happens for a reason, but after dealing with this shit for 2 ½ years, every single day and throwing everything imaginable at it I discovered another lump this week in the other boob. NOOOOOOO!  Note to GOD, “How much more do you think I can take?  Come on, really?”  Well I can answer that, not much more, I tell you!!! 
I now have minor pain on both sides of my chest, back groin and armpit.  Physical pain I can deal with but with every throb or stabbing sensation, it stops me in my tracks and it reminds me of what I have.  “Hello pain.  Thanks for the reminder I have terminal cancer spreading throughout my skin and now through my lymph.  Yeah thanks for that, I’ll continue to eat my tea, bath my kids, read my book etc. etc. and put that reminder to the back of mind.  As if that’s going to happen, I mean please give me a break, I’m not Super Woman!  You see it’s the emotional and mental pain that’s the bugger to deal with.  The pain leaves me with question marks.  Will I live long enough to see Christmas, 40, take my kids to Disney?  Am I fighting a losing battle?  Doing my best just isn’t good enough so I go in search of new methods, scrabbling around for others to give me the answer and the same thing keeps coming back.  Live everyday like it’s your last.  Stay in the present moment and do what makes you happy.  Find you’re internal bliss and anything external is superficial. Blah, blah blah and how am I supposed to do that?
I’ve spent so much time focused on healing I’ve truly forgotten what makes me happy.  I tried to write a list but couldn’t get past chocolate and wine and then had to cross them out because they were external.  What do I love to do I thought?  I don’t know anymore because I feel so lost and enveloped in Oxygen Chambers, hospital appointments, scans, results, medication, homeopathy, remedies, praying, life coaching, healing, reading about healing, what to eat and what not to eat, all to try and cure the one thing that just seems to be getting worse.  And when I do get a minute in the evening I’ve been taking myself off to bed at a ridiculously early time to combat the stoned effect I’ve been getting from my cannabis oil…Oh yes, something else that claims to cure cancer, as did my surgery, chemo and radiotherapy but I’m desperate now so I’ll try anything.
So this week I’ve felt pretty damn lousy and far from anything remotely like a super woman as my ultra sound scan looms in the week ahead.  Dread and fear have completely consumed me this week even after visiting friends and healing friends who try and work their magic on me and say the right things, I’ve still felt like giving up for the first time ever.  Bizarrely I’ve made my peace with death, well, to the point that I’m not afraid of the passing over bit but the thing is I just don’t want to, I’m not ready.  I want to change and understand life in this lifetime not the next.  So I’ve prayed, all week in fact, for this emotional pain to be lifted and to find the answers for what to do next because that is my turmoil and bizarrely enough the answers have come in many different ways.  But the best was tonight.
After a week of tears and slobbing about because depression was setting in and giving up was on the cards, tonight I dropped Lois off at Brownies and driving home allowed Darcey to sit in the front passenger car seat.  The Saturdays came on the radio and I turned it up full blast.  Darcey, who is six giggled and started dancing in her seat.  She shouted “This is ace mum I can feel the music vibrating through my feet”.  We sang and chair danced all the way home.  As soon as I got in a ran upstairs, frantically download about 10 songs I currently love at the moment, turned all the lights on, shut all the doors, grabbed Darcey and we sang and danced our hearts to music blaring so loud the whole room was vibrating for over an hour!
When we finally stopped (I had no more energy left) it occurred to me that for over an hour I had been living in the present moment.  I hadn’t once thought about death or cancer.  I was laughing.  I had no pain.  I felt elated as if a huge cloud had been lifted.  My friend Gill text me today and said “strength will come from the most unlikely places…look out for it”.  And come it did in a huge wave.  I’ve been searching for the answers for so long now I lost my way en route and tonight, out of nowhere I found it again.  I found my joy, my bliss and to share it with my little girl was amazing.  It wasn’t external it was my pure joy and love of dancing and singing that only I can create.  It’s not going to stop me supporting my health and doing all the other stuff as every little bit counts but I connected with myself again for the first time in a long time and was dependant on no one else.  The feeling wasn’t fleeting either as the smile is still on my face hours later.  I feel lighter and positive again and I did it all by myself, without having to meditate or do the things that I feel I should be doing.
So note to GOD “Bring it on!  This is by no means over.  Oh and thank you for guiding me to turn the radio on in my car today.  For that I am grateful.  You answered my prayers!”
So my take on Breast Cancer awareness is this… Prevention is better and easier than cure.  So have everything in moderation, don’t live everyday like it’s your last but live every day to your fullest.  Find a balance, always have balance in your life and when the scales are tipping in the wrong direction, dig deep and find YOUR internal joy.  What makes your heart sing and do it once in a while.  By all means be aware of any changes in your body but I believe cancer is caused by an imbalance of toxic thoughts, toxic food or a toxic environment as chemicals and stress play havoc with our health. It’s never too late to change your habits and create the life that you truly want and deserve. Cancer is a wakeup call to change.
So go, get on with creating your fabulous lives whilst I go tell the neighbours to shut their windows and turn their tellies up.  I’ve got a lot more singing and dancing to do. x
 

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