After months of not writing my blog I’ve sat down today to try and put my thoughts and feelings into words.  Oh how they’ve changed in the last few months too.  In the past I was fixated on the redness spreading in my skin, measuring it daily and observing every bit of it worrying myself silly that it was one day going to take my life.  Now I have the redness in lots of places.  My back, side, chest, stomach with a few lumps and bumps thrown in for good measure all have slowly progressed in size over the last few months.  The thing that’s different now is me and my thoughts. 
I believe that our lives are mapped out.  That something far bigger and greater than us knows what’s in store, be it God, the universe, source, energy, call it what you like,  and so really I have little control over my outcome.  If I am meant to eat a certain way then something will cross my path to make me do this.  If I am meant to take a herbal remedy, see a healer, drink a juice or try something new then my path will cross a path for whichever one is right for me and meant to be.  Basically what I am trying to say is if I am meant to get through this I will, if not then life has other plans. 
The reason for this thinking is the facts…Some people change their diet and heal from cancer.  Some people don’t.  Some people take a herbal remedy and heal their cancer.  Some people don’t.  Chemotherapy has not only cured people of cancer it’s killed people too.  So what makes one person more worthy of survival than another?  Some people heal naturally in weeks, some medically in weeks others take months or years and in the process there are RIP posts popping up on Facebook on a daily basis for those who lost their lives to this dreaded disease.  Dreaded so much because the journey with cancer can only take you to one of two destinations…life or death, and which one we reach no one will ever be certain of until we are there.
So living with uncertainty has been my biggest battle.  I would give anything to hear the words that I am guaranteed a cancer free future.  To have that heavy cloud lifted and to have that inner knowing that it’s going to be absolutely fine.  But, accepting that no one can nor will tell me this, has been the hardest thing to come to terms with because where else do I get hope from.   Well I tell you where I get mine from. Reading!
I read survivors stories.  I read about people who have taken risks against all odds and have survived.  I read about diet, homeopathy, herbs, treatments, cannabis oil, oxygen therapy, Vitamin B17, supplements, exercise, laughter, thoughts, law of attraction and healers.  I skip the RIP stories now (sorry).  No longer do I observe and measure the extent of my red skin, as there’s too much to keep track of now, but I do observe what I think and eat and how I choose to live to give me the best possible chance of survival. 
I choose happiness, love, laughter, less stress, healthy diet.  I drink a life force drink called Ormus, I have crystals next to my bed, I meditate.  I pray.  I believe in Angels and I believe in miracles.  I have changed beyond belief in the past 2 years because cancer has forced me to open my eyes and see what life is really all about and what is beyond our lives here on earth.  I do not claim to be ‘Miss Positive’ as the dark moments do creep in once in a while when I find the future daunting and difficult beyond words to comprehend, but what’s important is I find a way out of those dark cycles and I pull myself together and carry on.  Why?  Because I want to, I choose to live.
I still believe we are guided and everything happens for a reason.  We are all here to love and learn in whatever lessons are sent our way.  So really life should be one big, incredible adventure.  And if I had certainty I would simply see it as that.  Instead I am learning to embrace uncertainty as it’s in all our lives, and make every second count.   I make choices to improve my life or my health not from fear.  I follow my gut.  I have refused further surgery as it will only make it spread more and also refused more of the light therapy, targeted treatment as this too has made little difference in the big scheme of things and the pain was too much to bear. 
What I have chosen is a Ketogenic diet, homeopathy, supplements, chemotherapy, cannabis oil, crystals, healing friends and life coaches and the burning desire, will and determination to live beyond cancer.  I am not ill, I am healthy, albeit stoned every other night!!!  I played tennis today, enjoyed yoga on my holiday and cannot wait to do more next week…not bad for a 2 ½ years of living with an aggressive form of cancer.  Surely then it’s only our thoughts that limit us to what we can and cannot achieve.
Thoughts, emotions, feelings, the search continues, the reading continues, the hope continues and the belief and faith is instilled with the things I have chosen to follow and guide me through this.  Let’s believe one day I will be reading about me and how my survival tips and techniques can help others.  If anyone of my chosen areas gets me through this I will not only be writing about it I will be shouting it from the roof tops telling the whole world and helping as many as I can in the process just like others are helping me now.   Corrie Yelland inspires me every day with her posts about cannabis curing cancer.  And Phillip Nichols and Claire Davies continue to support me with positivity and direction.   So for now I am going to sit back and jump on the adventure and enjoy the ride which is what’s most important, because who knows where it will lead?  No one knows, now that I’m certain of.