SO Daz failed to clean up at The Eurovision Song Contest (BBC1, Saturday), while the heavy metal Orcs from Finland came, saw and conquered. As my brother said later: "It was a contest that got the winner it deserved."

I have ranted in this column before about the pitiful political voting that makes a mockery of the contest, but I watched again this year in the hope that this time the Cypriots would forget to be nice to the Greeks and the Finns would give only one point to the Norwegians.

It isn't going to happen, is it? These countries - and many more like them - have realised that there is strength in numbers, and anyway, everyone hates the Brits now so it's a chance to rub our noses in it!

As usual, a large portion of the songs were instantly forgettable, with the only memorable ones featuring over-the-top outfits or comedy content. One favourite in our household was the Lithuanian entry, in which a band with more than its fair share of extroverts extolled the certainty that they would be the winners of the contest. Maybe they should have been - again that would have been a fitting postscript to a totally discredited competition.

Germany cast off its usual dour offering with a pleasant country and western song, while the Danish entry took us back to the era of The Twist and the Russian singer watched as a ballerina emerged from inside a piano.

As always, the whole thing was beyond bizarre, including the decision to have Grace from Will and Grace as a compere who kept saying: "Amazing!" Yes, we get it - Amazing Grace!

It was a weekend of the kind of TV we know we shouldn't really watch, but we do anyway. Big Brother is back with yet another batch of folk you would avoid at a party. There is obviously now a formula for choosing the contestants - just change the names and you have the same characters creating the same kind of conflict.

Didn't you just know there would be a Nikki, turning up in a bunny outfit and bemoaning the fact that she couldn't have her waterproof mascara remover because the luggage was being withheld? "It was £16 a bockle!" she moped, in the kind of little girl voice that made you want to shout: "You should have gone to Superdrug!" at the screen.

Another cry baby - that big girl's blouse Gazza - was back on our screens on Monday night, as ITV1's Soccer Aid was launched. This initiative, which culminates in a match between England and Rest of the World pro-celebrity football teams at Old Trafford on Saturday, is in aid of UNICEF.

The brainchild of superstar Robbie Williams and his eternal friend Jonathan Wilkes, the match will see the Robster captain a team that could include Jamie Theakston and Angus Deayton, while megastar bad boy Maradona could turn up for the Rest of the World side. Message from UNICEF - now children, don't do as these boys have done (allegedly)!