I HOPE Paul O'Grady hasn't donated his Lily Savage wardrobe to the local drama group - I think he's going to need it again.

His new comedy series Eyes Down (BBC1, Friday) is not so much 'top of the shop' as 'two little ducks', in cricket parlance that is. In other words, the first episode delivered a big fat zero for content and for characterisation.

O'Grady himself portrays a sour-faced bingo hall manager with a vicious tongue and the fixed stare of a stalker.

As the brash Birkenhead Bombsite Lily, he excels. As bingo boss Ray, he repels. Without the flamboyant frocks as a disguise, O'Grady seems ill at ease - the old problem of a clown needing his make-up to perform.

The rest of the ensemble at the Rio is a mish-mash of caricatures. Canteen queen Christine reprises Victoria Woods' role as Brenda in dinnerladies. What is it about catering that sends women dotty? Does the work cook their brains as well as the food?

Young Sheridan Smith should be worried about the downward slope of her career, after beginning in The Royle Family, moving on to Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, and then finding herself in this dross.

She also needs to watch her accent in her role as a pregnant halfwit. It started off raw Scouse, then veered off down the M62 as the episode wore on.

Not that there was any real sense of the geographical location, with a toothless old dear from the East End rattling on about her ailments and a vertically challenged cartoon character who could have been a shrunken Rochdale Cowboy featuring.

The only thing in its favour was that it wasn't Stars in their Eyes Celebrity Special (ITV1, Saturday).

Was it some sort of punishment for the returning Matthew Kelly to make him endure the performances of the nonentities from I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here?

Despite being a professional singer, Toyah Wilcox was beaten by pouting model Catalina as Debbie Harry. Cat would also have been the victor if it had been a gurning contest. Can that woman pull some funny faces or what!

The most bizarre sight, however, was John Fashanu's bubble perm wig. Focus now, John, on never wearing anything like that again.

SOAP POSER:

ONE lesson at stage school and 'Rozi' Webster is on the poster for a public performance. At this rate, she'll be top of the charts by the end of August.

BITE-SIZE FAME-IDOL:

LATEST thoughts on Fame Academy and Pop Idol: Preening Paris and his irritating voice have to go. Is Cat Deeley really necessary? Why did Cowell shatter his hard-bitten reputation by supporting Gareth Gates' talentless sister? And why has Pop Idol suddenly become Stalker Heaven?