ANOTHER Bank Holiday and another weekend of TV programming guaranteed to make you wonder why John Logie Baird bothered!

When Billy Kennedy from Neighbours (who still looks about 12 years old) is considered a prime draw for peak viewing, it is time to start worrying about the people in charge of the purse strings at the Beeb.

As if Death In Holy Orders was not misery-laden enough, ITV1 decided to go down a similar path with its special two-part Bank Holiday 'treat', Alibi. Now Martin Shaw and Michael Kitchen are fine actors, but you can have too much well-portrayed angst over one weekend.

Add to these the debacle of yet more repeats of A Touch of Frost and Midsomer Murders (this series so recent that the bodies were still warm), and it was viewing to slash your wrists by.

Where was the light and shade? No, the less funny of the Two Ronnies chatting to Des O'Connor does not count!

On Friday night, Paul O'Grady provided a few belly laughs on Patrick Kielty's chat show, after he had finished slating critics who have been less than impressed by his new venture Eyes Down. Get over it, Paul. The series is a turkey - perhaps you can add it to the menagerie of geese, chickens and other animals back home?

The Stars In Their Eyes soap special (ITV1, Saturday) could have been an antidote for all the gloom and doom, but Corrie's Jonathan 'Joe Carter' Wrather (murdering the image of Harry Connick Junior) and David 'Roy Cropper' Neilson (proving that the suicide bid was a good idea if he intends to inflict that Roy Orbison impression on us again) put paid to that brief hope.

Rawsie Webster, however, needs to look to her laurels. Little Richard Fleischman, who plays Craig, proved that he really does have the talent to be a pop star, as he reprised Will Young's Evergreen with a smile that lit up the screen.

There was no escape on Channel 4, as the England cricket team contrived to deliver a drawn-out melodrama throughout the weekend, ending with a much-deserved defeat.

The insidious repeat bug was also at work here, as we were tempted into sitting through hours of 'countdown' TV to see who had been voted the greatest small screen character of all - realising as Homer Simpson was announced as the winner that we had seen it all before. Doh!

SOAP POSER:

OF all the unbelievable storylines we have been asked to swallow by EastEnders scriptwriters in recent years, the 'Phil turfed out of his own house by Joanne's renting scam' takes the biscuit. If the Pilsbury Dough Boy has really gone that soft, God help him when Dirty Den returns. He'll be baked to a crisp at gas mark 9.

BITE-SIZE FAME/IDOL:

ALLOWING Robin Gibb to perform one his Bee Gees hits with four of the Fame Academy hopefuls was a big mistake. It just proved that you don't need looks or a good voice to be a pop star. Barry (still searching for the Barryness of Barry) should be rubbing his hands with glee.

Meanwhile over at the Pop Idol auditions, the continuing flow of totally inept wannabes (Bananaman, Giles and his flying machines, a plethora of spotty, tone-deaf geeks - need I go on?) makes me fear anew for the future of our society. Beam me up, Scotty! Please!