JANUARY has never been the most joyful of months, and in soapland there's no end to illicit affairs, unwanted pregnancies and unsolved murders to welcome the New Year in.

Hollyoaks' Lisa, who seems to think she is a sex symbol, may have lost her brother but that's no excuse for seducing somebody else's boyfriend. Any other infuriated viewers should take comfort in the fact that Jake is bound to kick her to the kerb sooner or later.

Silly Sally has embarked on another affair over in Corrie, this time with slimy Ian Davenport; but most disgusting of all current shenanigans has to be the 'fling' between Dirty Den and Zoe in EastEnders - surely this can already be crowned the most disturbing storyline of 2005 as I can't see anything else being bad enough to compete with it.

Rumours abound that wounded wenches Zoe, Chrissie and Sam are going to join forces to rid Walford and EastEnders viewers of Dirty Den forever with a murderous plan. I can only hope that his funeral doesn't herald the return of his pouting 'princess' Sharon.

In Emmerdale, Steph is about to confess to murder, while over in EastEnders a body is found in Walford and Andy starts to panic - could it be Paul?

You'd like to think that while there seems to be lots of death on our soap screens at the moment, with all the pregnant characters waddling around there will soon be some new babies to celebrate - but don't get too excited.

Both Neighbours' Izzy and Home and Away's Kirsty look set to lose their babies, while over in Corrie there's a good chance that Katy's little bundle of joy may be born in prison. And I don't even need to go into the world Debbie's baby would be born into in Emmerdale. Let's put it this way, granny's not likely to be knitting him booties, and granddad will probably be doing time in jail for most of his upbringing. Is there no happiness in soapland anymore?