IT was the perfect antidote for insomnia - Stephen Fry in overdrive and Bruce Willis with brain fade. Yes, Saturday was a good night for fighting the urge to switch on the box.

Although a confirmed fan of the fabulous Fry, I am still discerning enough to know that, given free rein, the learned one can take frivolous verbosity to new extremes. As host at the BAFTAs (BBC1), he hid his usually cutting wit among such overblown, flowery introductions that my ears went into voluntary shutdown half way through to prevent an infestation of greenfly!

The awards ceremony itself was given the worst possible start with the sight of 'flavour of the month' Natasha Kaplinsky, clothed in candy pink, gushing over arriving celebrities. I'm surprised she didn't pirouette down the red carpet just to remind us of her 'Strictly Come Dancing' success. She was certainly dressed like a Sugar Plum fairy.

Once underway, the ceremony was characterised by a succession of actresses in tight, revealing dresses and high heels tottering to the stage and then fluffing their autocue lines. I was particularly aggrieved to see that Goldie Hawn continues to defy gravity and the ravages of Time - what is her secret? And why didn't she tell us what it is, instead of just handing over an award to Clive Owen? That would have been much more edifying to female viewers of a certain age!

As Fry continued to assault the senses with every adjective known to Roget's Thesaurus, an array of stars such as Richard Gere (with fetching snow white locks), Keanu Reeves, Christian Slater, Anjelica Huston and Gillian 'Scully' Anderson joined him on stage, kept it short and beat a hasty retreat back to their seats.

It didn't help that the directors of the two most highly regarded films, Martin Scorsese and Mike Leigh, looked as though they had been told their Meals on Wheels service was being discontinued. Remember, gentlemen, you're never fully dressed (even in awards ceremony penguin suits) without a smile!

Switching over to ITV1 for the return of 'Parkinson', I was hoping that the guest list might include someone who could raise a laugh before bedtime. I should have known better. It's becoming increasingly obvious that Parky is slipping steadily into his dotage, a fact not even the multi-coloured 'screen test' tie could disguise. Combining the halting ramble of his questions with the lugubrious features and long-suffering monotone of Bob Geldof was asking for trouble.

The big surprise, however, was action movie film star Bruce Willis. I never realised what a great actor he is. As 'Die Hard' icon John McClane, he is a wise-cracking, garrulous hero. In real life, he is a tongue-tied bore. I know he revealed he had suffered from a stammer in his early years and may, therefore, still take time to form his words, but it was the words themselves that were the problem. In fact, his terrorist foes in the 'Die Hard' films would have surrendered long before the final credits, if he had spoken to them as he did to Parky on Saturday night!

SOAP POSER:

SALLY came face to face with her predecessor at the 'prestige' car showroom in Corrie. She was called Della, but even Perry Mason couldn't have made Sally admit Davenport is the slimy specimen we all knew he was. Wise up, Webster!