THE world is becoming ever more bizarre and our television programmes are reflecting the human race's journey into Wonderland with increasing accuracy.

In the second episode of the new 'Doctor Who' series, aliens gathered to watch the demise of Earth, but I wonder what higher beings from out there in the galaxy would make of our TV output, if they were to pull up an armchair today?

Sunday's episode of 'The Queen's Castle' (BBC1), for example, had enough strange scenes to make even the most evolved species question their eyesight. There were doddery old men in bowler hats practising their roles in a parade for the Garter ceremony at Windsor Castle - the phrase 'Monty Python sketch' came to mind.

Even the Duke of Edinburgh commented: "It's a nice piece of pageantry that everyone loves. Rationally, it's lunacy, but everyone seems to enjoy it."

Tell that to the Military Knights, the doddery old men previously mentioned, who were not only billeted in a building with a surfeit of steep narrow staircases, but were also expected to march in heavy regalia at the height of summer in temperatures reaching 90 degrees. One of the younger members of that elite group (probably in his seventies himself) chuckled: "It's a hard day on the more elderly knights."

We were also treated to the spectacle of the castle's clockmaker having to personally re-set 450 timekeepers of all sizes when the clocks went back an hour last autumn. Surely it's not beyond the talents of someone in each part of the castle to alter their own clocks - after all, we were told there are 160 people working there.

Among the other pieces of trivia to surface in Sunday's programme were the facts that the Queen 'doesn't do long lunches'; members of the castle's household are trained to fold napkins in six different ways, and people at Royal Ascot were able to bet on what colour the Queen's hat would be each day. Oh, how the other half live!

And how unlike the lives of the fictional 'Footballers' Wives' in the ITV1 series. This romp through ever more incredible (and, let's face it, tacky) storylines exploded back on our screens on Thursday last week with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

The first episode was crammed with scenes that would have a Dalek screeching: "Exterminate!" With subplots including two babies' identities being switched - with one ready to be bleached and the other daubed with tanning cream then suffocated by a pet dog - to the gay footballer seeking a 'cure' for his proclivities, the new series already looks set to plumb greater depths than its predecessors. And that takes some doing!

Returning to the royals, I wonder if they were having a collective giggle at the misfortune of King Cad, James Hewitt, in 'The Games: Champion of Champions' (Channel 4, Saturday). Running in the relay for the 2003 champions of this celebrity sports competition, he dropped the baton, consigning his team to defeat and handing the title to the 2005 line-up.

As the Duke of Edinburgh might have said, rationally this competition was lunacy but I did enjoy it!

SOAP POSER:

I know I saw Corrie's Katy kill her father with that wrench, but with each passing episode I'm becoming more and more convinced that Angela did it after all. Maybe it's just that I want her to stop ranting on about the Sheffield mob and a conviction for the murder might be the best way of silencing her!