JUST how desperate do you have to be in pursuit of a high media profile to sign on as a contestant for ITV1's Dancing on Ice?

For a start you have to watch Torvill and Dean, arguably the best ice dancers ever, gliding around the rink, as you struggle to stay upright in the early days.

Then you spend hours being tossed around in the air on to your partner's shoulders, if you are a female, or learning to wiggle your hips and smile if you are a male.

All the time there is the prospect of hitting the ice in a heap and breaking bones, as TV presenter Michael Underwood found to his cost last week.

To add insult to injury, you have commentator Tony Gubba uttering nonsensical tripe at the end of every performance. On Sunday Gareth Gates and his partner looked good enough to eat' in their chocolate coloured costumes. You can rely on Gubba to come up with that kind of comment at the flash of a skate.

He also likes to show off his knowledge of skating terms, as in Gareth went from a roll-up into a crucifix' - a harsh punishment for smoking, I thought at the time!

The judges are a mix of ineffectual and downright rude (Jason Gardiner, I'm talking about you). Jason is the token baddie' on the panel, and how he plays up to the role. He has already described Greg Rusedski as looking like Herman Munster on the ice - not without a small grain of truth, I must admit.

And, although Steve Backley has taken some degree of stick from him, I suspect Jason is a little bit afraid of being picked up like a javelin and thrown across the rink if he goes too far.

Meanwhile chunky little Chris Fountain from Hollyoaks is skating away with the title already. For one thing he is moving at more than walking speed around the ice and fearlessly tackling every programme given to him.

At this stage his only competition seems to be ex-Hear'say singer Suzanne Shaw, also known as a victim of love rat Darren Day. I bet she wishes she had been wearing those ice skates when she kicked that particular partner out of her life!