A MANUAL for teenagers... now why didn't they have one of those when I so desperately needed one?

Those Haynes car manuals that we have all owned at some point - you know the sort, you can buy the 1979 Hillman Avenger version for a £1 in your nearest charity shop.

Well now, the good people from Haynes, have brought out The Teenager Manual. I kid you not!

The author, having brought up three teenagers, obviously believes she's expert enough to give out advice on how to 'keep your teenager in perfect running order'.

From advice about puberty, sex, relationships, diet, teenage strops and underage drinking.

Well I can save you the cash of buying it.

However, many books you read, don't try to understand teenagers.

The moment they reach 13 they become exactly like Harry Enfield's Kevin - spotty, stroppy, sleepy and sulky.

They spend a lot of time lying down - in their beds, on the sofa, on the floor, on other people's floors, in the garden, in tents and on beaches.

Life's not fair, nothing's fair and you don't understand.

You've never been young and they think that the stunts they pull are original.

No, think again - been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

The girls all want to turn into Lolitas - anyone seen the sights of the Mr Smith's under 16s disco? Frightening!

The boys are equally awkward about clothes - less fastidious about washing - but still they know what they want to wear.

If you buy any item of clothing for them it will be wrong. Don't bother, save your money.

But however difficult they are - you'll still love them and want them to be happy.

So if you've got children under 13 - be happy, rejoice, enjoy them. That's the easy bit.

In fact, thinking about it, perhaps a Teenage Manual isn't such a bad idea!