I'm 32 next week so I've finally decided to motivate my lard arse into losing some weight.

The fact I'm 32 is of no significance, well, it's about as significant as the number 11, the number of years I've had an office job and the number of fast food outlets within walking distance of work.

Though not as significant as the number 10 which is pretty much the number of years since I stopped playing football regularly and also the number of years I've probably spent on the ale since, and most definitely the average number of units consumed per night over the period.

There's been no road to damascus moment, it's crept up slowly, which is about as fast as I can move anyway. It's just been a combination of creaking knees, not being able to hide behind the patio curtains when playing hide and seek with the niece without my belly bulge giving me away, and the occasional trouser button pinging off.

Oh, and the Christopher Biggins jibes from the fellas in the pub. Yeah, that's the one. That's the tipping point. No more shall I be at the bar and have to put up with the theme tune to On Safari being hummed. I hope.

I actually started my working out and diet about a week before Helen happy slapped me with the gauntlet in what's now become a battle of the sexes challenge.

The competition has definitely added an edge to proceedings though.

Last week I bought a heart monitor to help me work out at the most efficient level. As soon as I put it on I actually lost a few pounds. Well, who wouldn't panic when they're sat still and being informed that their heart rate is at 187 beats per minute. Everything is all sorted now though and I've been averaging 45 minutes on the exercise bike and 20 minutes on the punchbag each night alongside the rabbit food diet.

It's early days but I'm already feeling the benefit. I walked past somebody eating a bag of chips today and I felt quite confident that I could have knocked them out, stolen their chips, and made my escape swiftly and easily. I couldn't have done that a fortnight ago.

Safari so goody...